FU Movie Review - Conan the Barbarian (1982)

Title - Conan the Barbarian

Year - 1982

Generic Genre - Fantasy/Action-Adventure

Real Genre - Dark Fantasy, Action-Adventure, Sword and Sorcery, Breast-sploitation

Source - My Personal Collection

Conan (Arnold Schwarzenegger) has some bad experienes as a kid and decides to take revenge on the people who killed his father, killed his people, and stole his father’s sword.

After a number of years on the “Wheel of Pain”, Conan turns from scrawny kid into big hulking brute. Add to that a little gladiator training and a big sword, and he’s ready to fight the bad guys. Don’t get me wrong, Conan is Not a good guy in any respect. He’s a warrior in a brutal world where might makes right. He does it for the cash and the pleasure of killing shit. A couple of like-minded supporting characters, Valeria (Sandahl Bergman) and Subotai (Gerry Lopez), join up with him in his righteous cause of liberating the riches of other people.

Eventually, Conan finds the bastard who did in his people and goes after him. Battles ensue! People get cleaved in half, burnt with boiling oil, have giant pillars dropped on them, and get messed up in a variety of other fun and exciting ways.

Arnold Schwarzenegger as Conan!  For Arnie-philes out there, this is one of his best roles, back before he even considered doing comedy.  Despite his inability to actually act, he does a mean Conan.

Sandahl Bergman as Valeria, Conan’s booty-call lady.  Stiff acting, awesome body, amazing stunts.

Gerry Lopez as Subotai, thief and archer!  No need to act, the guy gets almost no lines.  But we love him anyways.

James Earl Jones, lord of all voices, as the evil bad-guy, Thulsa Doom.  He’s the best actor in the film and gets some killer lines to boot.

Supporting cast includes: Max Von Sydow, some football players, and assorted muscled dudes in their underwear and bare-breasted women.

Freakin’ awesome!  Dark and dusty and generaly bleak, the world that director John Milius puts together brings the spirit of Robert E. Howard’s books to life.  The costumes are great, the sets are great, and the soundtrack kicks your ass with barbaric epic-ness.  The various scenes portray the sword and sorcery world in a way that no other movie since has been able to capture.

Nothing complicated here. Conan wants to kill James Earl Jones. I guess he just wanted to jump on the bandwagon with Luke Skywalker in his J.E.J. hate-club. The rest of the film just shows Conan doing cool shit and killing things while he makes his way to the final goal of avenging his people. The plot of this movie is not why you should watch it.

Everyone on the main cast did their own stunts. The people who were hired were all chosen because of their extreme physical fitness and ability to kick-ass on the screen without help from the stunt crew. Bergman is a dancer, Lopez a pro-surfer, and Arnie is, of course, a burly dude. Supporting cast is no exception.

The cast members were also trained in swordplay in order to do their sword-fighting as well. You can tell from the way the camera is used that they knew at least a little bit about what they were doing. No half-second flash shots and extreme close-ups to mask unskilled fighting in this one. They showcase the action in a way that is rarely seen.

Boobs everywhere. Orgies and human sacrifices and none of the chicks can keep their tops on. Hurrah for the good old days of fantasy flicks, when excessive nudity was almost a requirement of the genre.

Listening to Arnie deliver his lines can be painful sometimes.

How the hell did they get that kid to push that wheel for so long?   And what the hell was the point?  Ie: some inexplicable “wtf”s that it’s easier to just not question.

Anyone who is seriously into fantasy.

Anyone who can appreciate lots of blood, swords, and breasts.

Arnie-lovers.

People who dig stunts and swordplay when they’re shot by a decent director.

This is, in my opinion, the best dark-fantasy film ever made. If you don’t like it, you’ve most likely been scarred by the years of mediocre film-making that has plagued our modern world and have no sense of what a good fantasy film is supposed to look like. Go watch Avatar or some other dumbed-down piece of crap.

The Raised Fist of Awesome! – 5 out of 5

Seriously, best sword and sorcery film ever made.  Anyone who says different is an ignorant twit.

For an added bonus, get the version with the commentary and listen to Arnie comment.  With lines like “I got laid a lot in this film!” you can’t go wrong.

Disclaimer:

This review expresses MY opinions of the subject. If your tastes differ from mine, I don’t care. You should listen to what I have to say and agree with it. If you don’t agree with me, I don’t care.